Waking up with a funny taste in my mouth

How important is remembering your dreams to you? It's usually very hard for me to remember them past the ten minutes after I wake up. This time, it was not any different. But, and this is a big but, there was a computer next to me and I was able to paste whatever I had left in my memory before it was long gone. People with names are people I know. Some I haven't seen in hours, some in years. In 2010 I will change, I will be different.

Dramatis Personae
Tso
Marie
Tso's friend.
Kefin
Pregnant woman
Woman
Man



Went to see Tso, a photography instructor, while I was on a break from my work. I did not know what work was at the time. Just that it was something I had a break from. Was it in the same building? I talked to Tso about random topics,  how's Marie (my former instructor and a mutual friend), the weather and I mentioned that I knew she had another job and asked how that was going. She talked to me about creativity and how it has to be never ending in her job as a graphic designer. Told her that that's great, sounds like a lot of fun because she is always creating amazing work that everyone admires. She asked me what my plans were for the future."I want to do something different" I said.  She smiled and said that I should try and join her company, they just had an opening and she would be able to put in a good word for me. I immediately felt an immense amount of happiness and misery. Happy because I could finally escape the hell I'm in and sad because I clearly don't have the proper education to fill a position at a graphic design firm. I didn't even finish school and don't have a degree "I am setting myself up for failure" I thought.  Looked like she felt bad for me, she gave me a booklet of a film/advertisement festival of some sorts. She said that I should pick any topic in that booklet and write a paper about it then give it to her. She would then look at it and submit it to her superiors as a proof of my creativity.  Her friend came over and they started chatting. I told them that I had to get back to work. I still don't know what work is.

I left the building and on the streets I saw Marie driving in a car. I wanted to say hi, I waved and screamed but she seemed to be preoccupied and didn't see me. I then saw Kefin and we sat on a bench. I told him that I'm delusional, told him about the story of the film festival brochure and told him that even though I talked to Tso I left with nothing in my hands, that I  am delusional in thinking that she gave me something to work on when she didn't. She never asked me to write anything after I told her about my lack of education. In my head I wanted her to do so and as a result  I entered a dream state in which I gave myself a glimpse of hope that I badly wished for.  I wanted to cry. No tears are surrendering to the gravity, however. I then thought "why can't I cry, I think it'll make me feel better but my entire life I have never been able to cry. Will I cry when my parents die?". I told Kefin how much I hate the job that I do now and that I just want to leave it, can't stand being there anymore. He says he's sorry and he gets up to cross the street. He gets to the other side of the street and starts walking in a cheerful matter. I ask him from the other side of the street if he wants to go for a drink. He says he's taking a break. I yell out "that's what you said last week". He ignores me. An old man, with a tooth missing, yells out in agreement with me.

I get back to work. Looks like my job is to take care of a pregnant woman with an insanely large stomach and it's about to pop any second now. She is asleep and I was to monitor her and her baby until it's time for me to leave, at 5:00 pm.

The other girl I'm working with sees me packing my belongings before my time to go, I'm fed up with this. She then asks me in a demanding, condescending tone about what I think I'm doing. Told her I'm just packing my books to leave. She says that I "look" smart with all these books so why am I here. "mind her own business, I'm stupid, reading books doesn't mean that I'm actually smart" I say, hoping that she'll leave me alone. She says that I'm just like my cousin Sarah, always bringing myself down, that I'm some sort of masochist. I then while singing tell her that it is odd, both of Sarah's parents loved her. Implying that there might have been something wrong with the way my parents felt towards me.

The other guy I work with sees one of the books, it's a math book, a precalculus math book. He yells "looks like he really is an idiot, he's studying this stupid math book". I got very angry and grabbed him by the collar of his tshirt and told him that he should never insult my intelligence, I'm very smart. He keeps making fun of me and I punch him. He recoils to where tubes, connected to the pregnany women, are and is gives me a threatening look while gradually pulling them. It might kill the pregnant lady. I told him not to do it, he's angry at me and not at the woman, he may kill the baby if he does anything stupid. He says he's going to tell on me, that I punched him and left early. I yell "that's fine but what are you going to tell them when you pull that tube 'sorry I killed the baby because I'm an iddiot'" ? He stops pulling the tubes. There are still 5 mins left to 5 PM. I contemeplate just leaving. I end up staying to wait for the managers of that company to come and yell at me and think of telling them that I'm leaving, that I'm extremely miserable there and never coming back.

I wake up.

Neutral as a Swiss Flag.

If today's incident taught me anything, it's that talking about gender, politics or religion on an online social site is a slippery slope and there is no turning back. I do not think it has to do with freedom of speech. In a perfect world we would all be willing to listen to what others say and others would be willing to reciprocate. We are not in a perfect world.

I would like to be the Switzerland of online communities. However, this takes me back to events of last week. Even Switzerland can't always be the poster child of so called neutral grounds. I think I have realized that sooner or later you will be forced to pick a side and hope that when that day comes you will be prepared with your fist to fight. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Strange Conversations Aug 8th of Current Year

I wish this conversation would have lasted longer and for me to have been less guarded about exposing my less than Muslim believes with this man.



M gets on a train to go to Ginza Japan Fest in Chicago.

Sits across from a man staring at the window.

Stranger: Are you Arabian?

M: Yes. (rest of conversation is spoken strictly in Arabic)

Stranger: Where are you from? *other passengers start to stare*

M: Yemen (No I will NOT ask you where you're from to further this conversation I should have just told you I'm not Arabic)

Stranger: O will you please pray to Allah for me.

M: Why?

Stranger: I'm very ill.

M: May Allah cure you.

Stranger: Thank you, thank you love.

M: *puts headphones back on and looks at opposite direction*

Stranger: Where is Allah right now?

M: He's watching you and me and everyone else, from up above.

Stranger: O wow Allah is awesome. I've been a sinner, I wonder if Allah will ever forgive me.

M: Sure, no one is perfect.

Stranger proceeds to show me his upper gum which contains brown deposits in place of what used to be his teeth.

M: *smiles*

Stranger: Allah did this to me. I'd like to fuck his sister but he doesn't have one. Do you not sin because of Allah.

M: I do not sin because of morals I've acquired through my parents.

Stranger: Well Allah is an asshole for making me this sick, fuck him and his non existent sister. Goodbye. *man gets off on Belmont*

August 1999

I was looking for a book and I stumbled upon this. My amazing friend has something similar on her blog and you should read it too.

I may add some more excerpts later. We'll see. I'm directly quoting so not going to revise any grammar and/or spelling issues. My English language skills were almost non existent so be kind. Or not.

I used boy/girl interchangeably. It's interesting to see I've had such struggles without even realizing where they sprung from. I do not remember why I did use boy sometimes and girl other times to describe who I'm attracted to. I do know that I was talking about the opposite sex when I mention one. I.E. "I met a girl I liked" usually means "I met a boy I liked"

August 8th 1999
"my lover, he must be the best person in the world as I think so, must be beautiful, smart and attractive and maybe more. There's some girl that I love her like a friend and more I could love relationship if we have more time to know each other more because I only know her before one month exams start and unfortunately she left to Brittan after exams and she won't come again but after years maybe. So this is my story about my lover and I hope I'll find my lover one day

August 23rd 1999
"Yesterday my father's cousin and his family had visit us and one of them is a boy that big from me two years old. We was knowing each other before but now our relationship became stronger and I think he also feel same think that I feel towards him. And I hope we won't forget each other and there will be a strong relationship....he told me a lot of secrets because he trust me, like he smoke and watches sex movies without his parents know and many more things I can't write. p.s. bad hand writing because I'm sad he's leaving our house tomorrow."

August 29th 1999
"Before seconds my mother a movie because it's for big people, when she said that is that mean that I'm still small, I'm 14 years old now...sometimes when I was in my grandfather's house in Aden they had bought cable channels and one of them is the movie channel and everyone knows what the movie channel shows in it's move like "larry flint vs people""

This should be a great read for my therapist if I had one. What is this strange attractions towards the idea of relationship? I do believe that I took the literal meaning of it back then. Yes, there is a literal and non-literal take on that word. It's so loaded. Also, I clearly had and I still have trust issues.

fitting into boxes

I have noticed that people hate belonging into a box. Hate checking a mark into one. Gay? Straight? Bi? Asian? White? Single? I, on the other hand, love boxes. I simply adore them! After being so confused about where to belong in this world, I welcome boxes with open arms. Put me there and never take me out.

Weddings, gay weddings

I just got back from a wedding that I attended. It was my first wedding. Not only was it a wedding at an extremely romantic environment. It was also a gay wedding. Two women professing their love blah blah blah.

I always thought, and maybe tomorrow morning I will, that weddings are for unfulfilled people. People who wanted to believe that they're happy and show other people that they are happy whether they are happy or not. Why would you want to tie a bond unless you're afraid of the bond breaking. Unnecessary ceremony that people got together for to prove their social status and their wallet size. Tonight and maybe for only tonight, my view has been changed.

I don't know how and when for just like it came it went away. This moment of bliss. It seemed like these two women weren't getting married for themselves. They were doing it for ME. To let me know that something "abnormal" could feel so good. That this is not so they could show the world how much money they have or how unrealistically optimistic they are. This is to show me that no matter who you're copulating with, you can survive in this mean judgmental world and have your 60 years old father be happy for you. It doesn't matter what people think, that you will go to hell, reside with Satan. All that matter is that you are here and people who love you don't really care that you have sushi 3 times a day. For a moment there I felt a huge rush of unconditional love go through me. This is getting very cheesy but our lives are cheesy, with hot chips and ground beef too. So if two same sex people want to get married, go right ahead. You have my blessing and my unconditional love to whatever you do in your life.