Waking up with a funny taste in my mouth

How important is remembering your dreams to you? It's usually very hard for me to remember them past the ten minutes after I wake up. This time, it was not any different. But, and this is a big but, there was a computer next to me and I was able to paste whatever I had left in my memory before it was long gone. People with names are people I know. Some I haven't seen in hours, some in years. In 2010 I will change, I will be different.

Dramatis Personae
Tso
Marie
Tso's friend.
Kefin
Pregnant woman
Woman
Man



Went to see Tso, a photography instructor, while I was on a break from my work. I did not know what work was at the time. Just that it was something I had a break from. Was it in the same building? I talked to Tso about random topics,  how's Marie (my former instructor and a mutual friend), the weather and I mentioned that I knew she had another job and asked how that was going. She talked to me about creativity and how it has to be never ending in her job as a graphic designer. Told her that that's great, sounds like a lot of fun because she is always creating amazing work that everyone admires. She asked me what my plans were for the future."I want to do something different" I said.  She smiled and said that I should try and join her company, they just had an opening and she would be able to put in a good word for me. I immediately felt an immense amount of happiness and misery. Happy because I could finally escape the hell I'm in and sad because I clearly don't have the proper education to fill a position at a graphic design firm. I didn't even finish school and don't have a degree "I am setting myself up for failure" I thought.  Looked like she felt bad for me, she gave me a booklet of a film/advertisement festival of some sorts. She said that I should pick any topic in that booklet and write a paper about it then give it to her. She would then look at it and submit it to her superiors as a proof of my creativity.  Her friend came over and they started chatting. I told them that I had to get back to work. I still don't know what work is.

I left the building and on the streets I saw Marie driving in a car. I wanted to say hi, I waved and screamed but she seemed to be preoccupied and didn't see me. I then saw Kefin and we sat on a bench. I told him that I'm delusional, told him about the story of the film festival brochure and told him that even though I talked to Tso I left with nothing in my hands, that I  am delusional in thinking that she gave me something to work on when she didn't. She never asked me to write anything after I told her about my lack of education. In my head I wanted her to do so and as a result  I entered a dream state in which I gave myself a glimpse of hope that I badly wished for.  I wanted to cry. No tears are surrendering to the gravity, however. I then thought "why can't I cry, I think it'll make me feel better but my entire life I have never been able to cry. Will I cry when my parents die?". I told Kefin how much I hate the job that I do now and that I just want to leave it, can't stand being there anymore. He says he's sorry and he gets up to cross the street. He gets to the other side of the street and starts walking in a cheerful matter. I ask him from the other side of the street if he wants to go for a drink. He says he's taking a break. I yell out "that's what you said last week". He ignores me. An old man, with a tooth missing, yells out in agreement with me.

I get back to work. Looks like my job is to take care of a pregnant woman with an insanely large stomach and it's about to pop any second now. She is asleep and I was to monitor her and her baby until it's time for me to leave, at 5:00 pm.

The other girl I'm working with sees me packing my belongings before my time to go, I'm fed up with this. She then asks me in a demanding, condescending tone about what I think I'm doing. Told her I'm just packing my books to leave. She says that I "look" smart with all these books so why am I here. "mind her own business, I'm stupid, reading books doesn't mean that I'm actually smart" I say, hoping that she'll leave me alone. She says that I'm just like my cousin Sarah, always bringing myself down, that I'm some sort of masochist. I then while singing tell her that it is odd, both of Sarah's parents loved her. Implying that there might have been something wrong with the way my parents felt towards me.

The other guy I work with sees one of the books, it's a math book, a precalculus math book. He yells "looks like he really is an idiot, he's studying this stupid math book". I got very angry and grabbed him by the collar of his tshirt and told him that he should never insult my intelligence, I'm very smart. He keeps making fun of me and I punch him. He recoils to where tubes, connected to the pregnany women, are and is gives me a threatening look while gradually pulling them. It might kill the pregnant lady. I told him not to do it, he's angry at me and not at the woman, he may kill the baby if he does anything stupid. He says he's going to tell on me, that I punched him and left early. I yell "that's fine but what are you going to tell them when you pull that tube 'sorry I killed the baby because I'm an iddiot'" ? He stops pulling the tubes. There are still 5 mins left to 5 PM. I contemeplate just leaving. I end up staying to wait for the managers of that company to come and yell at me and think of telling them that I'm leaving, that I'm extremely miserable there and never coming back.

I wake up.

Neutral as a Swiss Flag.

If today's incident taught me anything, it's that talking about gender, politics or religion on an online social site is a slippery slope and there is no turning back. I do not think it has to do with freedom of speech. In a perfect world we would all be willing to listen to what others say and others would be willing to reciprocate. We are not in a perfect world.

I would like to be the Switzerland of online communities. However, this takes me back to events of last week. Even Switzerland can't always be the poster child of so called neutral grounds. I think I have realized that sooner or later you will be forced to pick a side and hope that when that day comes you will be prepared with your fist to fight. Metaphorically speaking of course.